it has finally got to the point where i have realised my fantasies are so much better than reality that i don't even see a point in leaving the house. i wonder if i could let go of reality in something like a meditative state i could be in a perpetual state of fantasy. is that what happens to people when they go insane?
a friend's housemate found a collection of thrown away diaries in sydney. they are really difficult to read but describe a girl's relationship and obsession with a married australian radio star. endless lists of what he played on a particular day, what he likes, dislikes... what he did to her... what he made her to do him... what happened to her?
sometimes i feel like if i tense up and hold my breath hard enough i could make all the particles in my body explode into a zillion pieces, just out of helplessness for life.
I've had conversations with a few 28 year olds recently. they are ones who are living their dreams; designers, or in really successful australian bands... but they seem just as lost and confused about life as I am . and tell me I'm so wise for my age.
I'm constantly restless. I'm reading Truman Capote's In Cold Blood.
There is a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin
And roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood
And they climb the mountains crest.
Theirs is the curse of gypsy blood
And they don't know how to rest.
easier to retreat into my head right now, i'm so impatient for SOMETHING.
getting out of bed is difficult.
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